Hi everyone, first of all I wanted to say thank you for letting me write this as I do feel as I can be fully honest here unlike, funnily, I cannot be as honest with my doctor or therapist. So just thanks for giving me this opportunity of fully sharing what I am thinking/ feeling as this is so important for me. I am thinking that I can do it, perhaps, because it is the thing that I am in front of the computer and not in front of a person, which, we all know, it can be hard to share and say everything fully honest.
And so, now, to make you understand it all a little bit better, I guess I should write a little bit of my history here as we know that understanding why a person got to have these thoughts/ feeling it is because of his/ her history. So, have been using diazepam, as well as alprazolam and more recently I have also started to get prescribed amphetamines too, all of them been given to me by my doctor in order to fight off with the stresses of education and work that I am daily exposed to. Besides all of these ‘non natural’ methods that I am doing to get my life a bit better, I am also trying to battle it with ‘natural’ methods and that’s since I am indulged in some certain activities that are depleting serotonin when I am going out and I am left with the dopamine to work with. Well, now this has ‘run out’ and so, I am being left at a dilemma in which I am wondering whether I need to get myself some very serious mental health care or either I’ve just got to tough it out as I have been doing it for the last 5 years or so. And well, I’ve got to understand now what is better for me to do.
Now, I’ve gotta say that I am what I have heard some people would call me a high functioning drug addict… let me explain what I mean by saying this if you don’t know what this means: well, although I am being prescribed much of what I am using on a regular basis (I have mentioned above what exactly), it is what I am not that has perhaps triggered this way of thinking. Well, I need to mention that I have been diagnosed a long time ago and so I have been treated by multiple doctors for my multiple conditions such as panic disorder, anxiety disorder as well as depression for the biggest part of my entire life which means that I am suffering from this for a very long time now and also… to be honest, I am not really doing very much in order to help myself with these all. I also must say that I started to develop another condition of social anxiety and more recently now, there are some signs/ symptoms which are pretty much showing that I am either developing or already having the bipolar disorder as well. One more thing to mention here is that only this idea of being put on all of those anti depressants, anti anxiety and/ or anti psychotic medications that will, from my experience, merely numb me at all (I say that it is from my experience because I have already cycled through 5 different anti depressants so I do know how they are working for me) all of them leaving me with very little to maybe even absolutely no sex drive as well as they are turning me into a literally stupid person. The brain fog, the way I am thinking and the way I am acting etc. all makes me think that these stuff are numbing me to such a point of when I am feeling like a zombie. I mean, really, I know I wasn’t like that, but now I’m a zombie! However, I still must say that I do perfectly realize that there is place left for worse. I mean, I am quite lucky, I guess, that with the way I am feeling and to the point I have gotten – I am not suicidal. I mean… I do know that there are people in depression who do not find any point in getting even out of their bed and they are suicidal. I am not, and I do find a little point in at least getting up or getting out from my bed and at least doing anything at all. Again, I do know that this is far away from normal or not to mention from perfect, however, again, with the way I feel now, that’s quite good as it could be worse. In fact, I can say that there are still even some quite ‘good’ days for me.
Although those, of course, are not very often coming, there are still some other days in which I am feeling great and I really wish to get up and to accomplish those few left goals that I still have. (yeah, strangely but I still have some goals)…
Anyway… now, I must say that I have not come here with questions as ‘what I should take to feel normal again?’ or anything in this matter as I do know that people here can’t really help me with anything like this… however, I can guess that what I am really wondering now is… what do you think? How open I should be to my doctor and to my therapist? Do you think that I must tell them absolutely all 100% and to be absolutely honest with no secrets or anything to hide? With that said, I must say that I really do not want to get admitted to a psych ward and that’s… of course, because I do not feel crazy… but on the other hand I do realize that all crazy people (or at least most of them) keep saying that they do not feel crazy and that they are not. Maybe the same applies to me too right now? Hope I am not, because i just know that I’m an ‘intellectual’ academic who is having an indeed great job, however I just lack that something that I simply cannot find for some unknown reasons. I am not very sure what I should do and how to fight all of this anymore. Also, not sure if this would change anything but I just can feel that I want to say this: I do not believe in love. I know many people would say that I’m incorrect and so on and so forth but I just don’t… I mean, I don’t believe in love, except for the love of family of course (‘cuz loving your children that’s indeed… love). Anyway I can guess that this is due to the fact that any chance that I have had to forward a relationship it crumbles before I can even attempt to try to put the pieces all together to finally get that confidence that I must get in order to ask a girl out. Anyway, as I said it earlier… all my thoughts/ opinions/ feelings experience and so on and so forth are all based on my history, on what I have went through my entire life… I would perfectly understand if someone might disagree with me in a point or another etc. again thanks for everything. As I said, from as much as I can guess, I don’t really need any advices, maybe only a bit of support… otherwise if you can tell me… what is wrong with me? It really does seem to be like not even doctors are able to answer this question.