honesty with doctors and mind fighting

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Hanran
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honesty with doctors and mind fighting

Hi everyone, first of all I wanted to say thank you for letting me write this as I do feel as I can be fully honest here unlike, funnily, I cannot be as honest with my doctor or therapist. So just thanks for giving me this opportunity of fully sharing what I am thinking/ feeling as this is so important for me. I am thinking that I can do it, perhaps, because it is the thing that I am in front of the computer and not in front of a person, which, we all know, it can be hard to share and say everything fully honest.

 

And so, now, to make you understand it all a little bit better, I guess I should write a little bit of my history here as we know that understanding why a person got to have these thoughts/ feeling it is because of his/ her history. So,  have been using diazepam, as well as alprazolam and more recently I have also started to get prescribed amphetamines too, all of them been given to me by my doctor in order to fight off with the stresses of education and work that I am daily exposed to. Besides all of these ‘non natural’ methods that I am doing to get my life a bit better, I am also trying to battle it with ‘natural’ methods and that’s since I am indulged in some certain activities that are depleting serotonin when I am going out and I am left with the dopamine to work with. Well, now this has ‘run out’ and so, I am being left at a dilemma in which I am wondering whether I need to get myself some very serious mental health care or either I’ve just got to tough it out as I have been doing it for the last 5 years or so. And well, I’ve got to understand now what is better for me to do.

 

Now, I’ve gotta say that I am what I have heard some people would call me a high functioning drug addict… let me explain what I mean by saying this if you don’t know what this means: well, although I am being prescribed much of what I am using on a regular basis (I have mentioned above what exactly), it is what I am not that has perhaps triggered this way of thinking. Well, I need to mention that I have been diagnosed a long time ago and so I have been treated by multiple doctors for my multiple conditions such as panic disorder, anxiety disorder as well as depression for the biggest part of my entire life which means that I am suffering from this for a very long time now and also… to be honest, I am not really doing very much in order to help myself with these all. I also must say that I started to develop another condition of social anxiety and more recently now, there are some signs/ symptoms which are pretty much showing that I am either developing or already having the bipolar disorder as well. One more thing to mention here is that only this idea of being put on all of those anti depressants, anti anxiety and/ or anti psychotic medications that will, from my experience, merely numb me at all (I say that it is from my experience because I have already cycled through 5 different anti depressants so I do know how they are working for me) all of them leaving me with very little to maybe even absolutely no sex drive as well as they are turning me into a literally stupid person. The brain fog, the way I am thinking and the way I am acting etc. all makes me think that these stuff are numbing me to such a point of when I am feeling like a zombie. I mean, really, I know I wasn’t like that, but now I’m a zombie! However, I still must say that I do perfectly realize that there is place left for worse. I mean, I am quite lucky, I guess, that with the way I am feeling and to the point I have gotten – I am not suicidal. I mean… I do know that there are people in depression who do not find any point in getting even out of their bed and they are suicidal. I am not, and I do find a little point in at least getting up or getting out from my bed and at least doing anything at all. Again, I do know that this is far away from normal or not to mention from perfect, however, again, with the way I feel now, that’s quite good as it could be worse. In fact, I can say that there are still even some quite ‘good’ days for me.

 

Although those, of course, are not very often coming, there are still some other days in which I am feeling great and I really wish to get up and to accomplish those few left goals that I still have. (yeah, strangely but I still have some goals)…

 

Anyway… now, I must say that I have not come here with questions as ‘what I should take to feel normal again?’ or anything in this matter as I do know that people here can’t really help me with anything like this… however, I can guess that what I am really wondering now is… what do you think? How open I should be to my doctor and to my therapist? Do you think that I must tell them absolutely all 100% and to be absolutely honest with no secrets or anything to hide? With that said, I must say that I really do not want to get admitted to a psych ward and that’s… of course, because I do not feel crazy… but on the other hand I do realize that all crazy people (or at least most of them) keep saying that they do not feel crazy and that they are not. Maybe the same applies to me too right now? Hope I am not, because i just know that I’m an ‘intellectual’ academic who is having an indeed great job, however I just lack that something that I simply cannot find for some unknown reasons. I am not very sure what I should do and how to fight all of this anymore. Also, not sure if this would change anything but I just can feel that I want to say this: I do not believe in love. I know many people would say that I’m incorrect and so on and so forth but I just don’t… I mean, I don’t believe in love, except for the love of family of course (‘cuz loving your children that’s indeed… love). Anyway I can guess that this is due to the fact that any chance that I have had to forward a relationship it crumbles before I can even attempt to try to put the pieces all together to finally get that confidence that I must get in order to ask a girl out. Anyway, as I said it earlier… all my thoughts/ opinions/ feelings experience and so on and so forth are all based on my history, on what I have went through my entire life… I would perfectly understand if someone might disagree with me in a point or another etc. again thanks for everything. As I said, from as much as I can guess, I don’t really need any advices, maybe only a bit of support… otherwise if you can tell me… what is wrong with me? It really does seem to be like not even doctors are able to answer this question.

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Hi there. I can understand

Hi there. I can understand that mostly, you need an answer to your last question here so I can tell you: there’s nothing wrong with you, be sure about that, however there are just some things that just seem to be skewed somewhat in your thinking and that’s, seemingly, the only problem that you’ve got. And also, since you are saying that this is what you are ‘not’ being prescribed which has triggered that way of thinking then I do think that it has to somehow either fit into your equation or that you are having to find somehow and someway to eliminate that something, and yeah, by saying that ‘something’ I am trying to say that the extra medications that are used above prescribed to you by your doctor. Medications, of course, are being used when they are helpful. You don’t use meds that do not help or even worse, that make it all worse. You, and everyone else who takes medications, do it for feeling generally better. If you are thinking/ feeling that those medications you take are making you feel worse then what’s the point of taking them anymore? Just stop taking them and the problem would get… resolved, at least a part of it.

 

Also, I see there’s another question which from my observations it is the second most important question for you in regards to whether you should or you should NOT be fully open and completely honest with your doctor, to be honest, I think that you should. You’ve got to know that if you are going to be fully honest, your doctor is going to refer you onward toward to a better specialists and better qualified people that are going to help you much better in all this mental issue or call it whatever. You should know that those are people who are designed to help such people with such conditions as yours. They are trained to do so, they have learned to do so and they are daily battling with such conditions and such stuff. Those are people who know exactly what to do and what to say in order to help you… but you see, that’s the problem, they can’t help or they can help you differently than you should be helpful if you are not helping them by saying everything as it is, everything honestly. So I really think that you must be referred to such people because you would get that help you need, but then again, you’ve gotta be fully honest with your doctor and with those specialists especially. Besides, I must say that I very highly doubt that you are going to be admitted to a psych ward. By saying this and by thinking this way this is just a sign (and an example) of your depression that it is already over riding you that is talking instead of you. Of course you should not let this happen. To be honest, I’m just thinking that your doctor is going to try to help you instead of admitting you to a psych ward. And he’s gonna try helping by referring you, as I said, to a specialist who can. But sure thing is that you are not gonna get hurt if you are going to be fully honest, I’m sure about that, by being honest that’s only going to help. Surely.

 

Also I saw you said that you just seem to lack that something which is why you cannot find your happiness. Well… I am thinking that in fact, there are a lot (a whole lot) of people who are like this… who are searching for that ‘something’ but they just cannot seem to find it… however, I must tell you that what, in fact, is making it be even more harder is when you don’t even know what you are searching for anyway. In fact, I think that it is impossible to find that ‘something’ when you don’t know what you are searching. What’s the point of searching when you don’t know what exactly? I do think that there are some people who really do find that ‘something’ however, I am pretty sure that those people, first of all, tried to understand what’s that something. With this being said I’m trying to say that you’ve got to focus in searching what you lack. What you really want and what you really lack of. It is obvious that there’s no one else who can do it for you, you’re the only person able to do it. So please, search for it and try to get it… otherwise all of this might get even worse. As you said – there’s always place for worse. Only the feeling of being incomplete in this life… it can very easily eat away at anybody regardless of how ‘tough’ you are or anything… the feeling of being incomplete in life would get anyone, that’s for sure.it can very easily bring some really mixed up feelings on you because of this. I just really hope you’re gonna be alright!

 

However, from closely analyzing your post, although can’t be sure, of course, it really does seem to me that you are in essence wanting to find that somebody and to form a relationship with, however it seems to me that you have not been able to so far in life… and I might be wrong… but to be honest, it does seems to me that this is that ‘something’ that you are currently searching for and you just cannot find so far for whatever the reason. Again, not sure if that’s true, but it does seems so, you must understand it all on your own alone. If that’s so, then at least, now that’s found what is that ‘something’ you are searching… that something you ‘lack’ and that would bring peace upon you and your mind which would treat your depression and anxiety.

 

Unfortunately, I am not being able to tell you how to ‘ask a girl out’, how to ‘fall in love’ or how to ‘treat a woman’ or any of that stuff that a good relationship expert is going to be able to help you with, definitely more than me… however, it does seem to me like this is what you are in need of at this current time because, again, from analyzing your post, it does seem to me like your career (job) as well as other parts of life does seem to be pretty much fulfilled, or at least you’re happy with them and you do not seem incomplete in life with. You just seem to be incomplete in life with a relationship and that’s the ‘root’ of these problems you have. Again, if that’s true, you must learn things of ‘how to ask a woman out, how to fall in love, how to deal with anxiety near a woman and so on and so forth’.

 

And so, after all of this mentioned, there surely does not seem to be anything that could be called to be wrong with you. That’s something that lots of guys are dealing with and that’s hard for everyone. All that’s ‘problematic’ or call it ‘wrong’ if you want to is the lack of self confidence in the ability that you have of finding, starting as well as building up a relationship (that’s the conclusion that I have made on your example of not even being able to ask a girl out… but that’s just something that you must try to learn and change. Nothing is impossible.

 

I also want to say that there is some kind of way in which you can move the confidence and the success that you seem to have in your career (job) over also into your personal life skills as well… unfortunately, I really don’t know that way and how you can do that, I do think that talking with more expert people about these in regards to this would be helpful to you. Also I think that reading about this would be helpful either. Whatever the case, the most important thing is that you do have it, you do have that confidence and that’s what is important because if you have it, there are ways to use that in all of your life… if you have that in your career, you can have it in your personal life as well.

 

As I have already mentioned, I am definitely not an expert, but I will still try to help with what I think of it… the first thing IMO would be to stop guessing yourself with absolutely every move that you are making… that’s the sign of lack of self confidence. And secondly, try to lose the apprehension of consulting with somebody qualified to assist you. Do whatever you want without guessing and asking for permissions (of course, unless that’s against the law LOL).

 

Unfortunately, that is all that I can really say and I doubt that I can help you with anything else other than this… sorry as I do know that it might not be too much…. But the most important thing is that you definitely are not crazy or that there’s something wrong with you. We’re all different and it is obvious that we are all reacting differently… being human already means that we are different from each other, this doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with that. I really hope that this would be any helpful for you. Good luck and I do wish you to get over depression and to find that something you lack.

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What I am really thinking

What I am really thinking about this is that you need to believe in love. I can guess that you don’t believe in it either because you’ve got really hurt once because of love (but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist) or either as it has been said up there by another poster here that’s because you haven’t so far found that person who you would really love. Whatever the case, I do think that a lot would change if you would start believing in love.

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Well… OP… if you do go to the

Well… OP… if you do go to the trouble and (I can also assume) the expense of consulting with another medical specialist, I just cannot imagine the reason as to why you would not be completely open and truthful with them. What would be the reason behind this? And what would be the point? Well…. Again I can’t be very sure here, however, based on your questions, does this means that you have NOT been upfront with your current physicians that are treated you? I would recommend, as it was already been said up there by someone else, to be honest… plus to that, since you are saying about yourself as being a drug addict, have you also reached the conclusion that this addiction is causing disruption in your life which really needs to be addressed?

 

To be honest with you… I do not really like at all such term as ‘high functioning’ addict. Of course everyone sees it differently, but I don’t like it because in my experience that I have in regards to this term, this is usually only a way for somebody to somehow deny (or most often to ring up as an excuse) the behavior that it is problematic. Not trying to say that this applies to you too, but what I want to say is that you must be careful IF this applies to you too. Plus to that, those drugs that you take aren’t something easily to deal with… what I try to say is that such a mix of drugs you take of benzos and speed (amphetamines) really can cause all sorts of adverse reactions as well as behavior changes in case they are not being very carefully monitored by a professional supervisor. Since you said that they are all being prescribed to you by your doctor I assume you should be alright, however I just want to recommend you to religiously follow your doctor’s recommendations and not to use more/ more often/ less/ less often or any other medications that your doctor doesn’t know about with these all…

 

Whatever the case I’ve got to tell you that your post is telling me that you have already gotten to a critical point in your life for which I think that you must get an access to some treatments that are being beyond your current doctors. I really hope that I am wrong and that this is not true, but from as much as I have read up there… it does seem to be true… I do hope very much that you are recognizing, in fact, the seriousness of what you have written up there and what you are getting through (it does seem to me like you do realize as you do take it seriously) and most important, I just hope that you are going to get some help as soon as possible. Problems like that shouldn’t be left untreated, they must get treated as soon as possible in my opinion. And yeah, shoot straight with them. I wish you good luck and I hope you’re going to be alright!

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thanks everyone for writing

thanks everyone for writing these replies, I really appreciate it a lot. I must say… Suffess…. You do seem to be right as I have been told already a long time ago that my indecisiveness is going to be the death of me and I do realize what this means. I second guess myself far far too much now and even though I really am able to connect with many many people etc. and also from the outside I really doubt a lot that if there is anyone who could tell that the battle going through my mind it is almost every single day. There is a recent DUI who has prompted me to travel (it is required a car for working) so most likely I can find myself. But I can say that from as much as I can guess, my real issue it is whether the depression and all of the anxiety issues that I am having are going to slowly go away as I am going to slowly ‘find myself’, however knowing that the sudden detachment from this life that I have lived for so so long is going to be all left behind me. Besides, I can also say that I have fallen in love with some certain substances… I am feeling as if that is what I long for but with a woman, rather than a substance. However I can tell you that only this thought about leaving my entire past life and all my habits and everything else that I have gotten used to it is quite scary… I can tell you that even having seeing all of the horrible side of addiction and where it is all going to lead… I am still going to continue with whatever I am doing. I do think as if this is almost making me really crazy…

 

Also wanted to say thanks to you WHISTER0 for answering as well. Luckily, the help that I have received it is being covered by my insurance and nation healthcare, even though having all of these health issues that I am having now, is it wrong to feel that I am not able to completely be honest with all of these doctors? I do think that this might be wrong, I am not sure… but what I am completely sure about is that I just cannot feel to be myself with them… I just cannot be honest…. But whatever the case, yeah, I do realize very well that you are right, doubtless. This is of course a very serious thing that’s going in in my life right now and trust me, I do take it very serious, as I always did. Whichever the case… I start thinking that writing this on the screen now I am starting to realize the position that I have put myself in right now. Doubtless, I need to reflect. But in the end: lots of thanks to you guys for replying. I appreciate it very much! I might come back later with an update if there’s going to be someone interested.

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Hi Hanran… I do perfectly

Hi Hanran… I do perfectly know what you are talking about because I can relate to the crushing grip of depression as well as on the weight of anxiety that seems to get worse and worse. I have to admit that I am also a drug addict as well… all that I can tell you is that using my drug of choice it really removes the depression that I am suffering from. That’s just amazingly hard because the last time that I have gotten high, it has taken me days and days until I could even start to find the will to at least get out of my bed, not to mention anything else. It has taken me a really good while until I got to that point where I could feel at least fairly normal. I just have been extremely depressed, I was clueless what’s like being in depression until that. I can say that I have got the impression that you are also using cocaine (not trying to say that it is true or that it matters) however what I want to say is that this is a substance that it is going to rob you of any of your natural pleasure as well as the sense of well being until the moment when you feel alive until you are on the drug. Now… I really think that it could be the perfect time for you to end your ‘love affair’ with your drug of choice and to tend to your mental health and good wellness.

 

I’ve also got to say that I perfectly know that it is not easy at all to be open with your doctors, sometimes it can be so hard that you don’t even want to talk with them anymore, not mentioning about fully being open in how you feel. I know this because that’s what I have gotten through myself. But I did have had to tell a lot of doctors my very shameful secrets and being honest… I don’t regret doing so. In fact, I am glad I did because this way they could understand me better and therefore they could help me better. What I know for sure is that they just cannot help you if they don’t know exactly what’s going on. It’s like going to the doctor because you have headaches but you just don’t tell them this, you keep this in secret, and you only vaguely tell them anything about you. Of course they can’t help as long as they don’t know that you have headaches. The same thing goes here and although you don’t have headaches, you still have issues that should be addressed to professionals!

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Hey there, thank you so so

Hey there, thank you so so much, and especially wanted to say thanks for this part: [however, you just should not wait until you are going to hit the bottom because if you would, that’s gonna be way too hard than you think it would. There is somebody who has told me one time that I need to raise my floor… and now I tell you this…] as I did liked it the most.

 

Thanks, raising the floor it is a term that I have never heard in the past, but doubtlessly you are spot on, thanks for this! I really appreciate that you’ve taken your time for response and sharing. Your good words really support me emotionally! I will definitely reflect more upon your post!

 

Besides, also wanted to say thanks a lot to Mary Heaven…. thank you very much as well, trust me I appreciate it a lot for your sharing and for your advice you’ve given. As I have read your responses as well as other people responses, I can really see through the full cloud that’s in my mind which is disrupting rational thought from allowing me to realize the entire severity of this situation and what’s more important, the proximity that I may be to the edge of the cliff which is so so dangerous for me that I can fall off.

 

Honestly… I have always seen that for there to be a problem in all of this and it is obvious that this is not going to end like this… what I want to say is that some detrimental either physical or/ and mental or/ and social consequences there surely would be. no doubts! To be honest, I do realize that I have been delusional in hiding behind a facade to the rest of the entire world and to myself as well. Lots of what I have said here is thanks to you guys and to the fact that you ‘opened my eyes’ be it even only a little bit.

 

Now, I’ve gotta say that I am scheduled now to see an old family friend that it is still practicing medicine and that’s a person whom I know that I can confide in… I am scheduled for tomorrow and I really hope I will see some results after the day of tomorrow. Whichever the case, I sincerely want to thank each one of you here for all of your replies… they were really helpful for me. Here’s to hoping that I can somehow identify and to work through all of my issues and maybe, also, to allow myself to finally FULLY have trust in my therapist, which I do understand that it is important, but, so far, I can’t ‘achieve’ it. Anyway, now I must say that from now on. I am going to take things day by day and I would try to do my best in order to catch this beast before it is going to get too late. Wish me good luck as I can feel that I would need it.

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Well… frankly here, if I

Well… frankly here, if I would be in your shoes in such a situation… I guess (because I can’t be sure since I am not in your shoes) that I would try to find myself a sympathetic medical professional and to confess to that doctor everything… I mean, to tell him (or maybe her) absolutely everything  at all… I would tell them the challenges you are getting through, the feelings you have, what you are thinking… everything. Also I would assume that it is exactly as important to tell them if there’s anything at all bad that has happened in your past… there might be that something that is still bothering you nowadays (you might even know what exactly, if you do, it is extremely important to mention it) because therefore, that might influence you pretty much of your drug using habit. It is obvious that I don’t know what other people think of this but at least to me, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder as well as depression, all of them are just symptoms (or call them health issues, or conditions or whatever else) of something that’s deeper down and which is why it is harder to both diagnose and treat. I did had been diagnosed with them myself a long time ago and I was walking around with them for many years, however, I am now having a proper diagnose, and a good doctor with the help of whom, I know where the general anxiety disorder, where the panic disorder as well as depression symptoms of mine have been coming from, and I tell you that this is extremely important to know.

 

Also it is very important to know that there are also non drug options too that I am seriously thinking that you should be looking at. Drug non drug options for mental health issues have been proved to be very helpful! We are having psycho educational CBT courses, DBT for certain individuals and if there’s a health condition that is serious enough you are going to get a psychiatric nurse that you would work with which would try to help you formulate some recovery goals and then to achieve them, which is so so important for people in depression. Formulating goals is hard for depressed people, but formulating them and even achieving them – that’s surely the best cure for depression.

 

I tell you – in England, it is quite difficult to get sectioned… I mean, I guess you have to try to get there because you have to be completely out of your mind, literally crazy, do some crazy stuff, or to be at danger to yourself or to other people. Pretty much this is what getting sectioned revolves around here, safety risk to self person and to other people too!